Dreams for the future

Well, Jeff has been giving me sites and talking to me reguarding Dungeons and Dragons. I want to learn to play.  I'm still in character building phase.  For certain, we have decided that my alignment will be a chaotic neutral.  I like the idea of being a druid.  It just seems to suit me.  I also like elves.  So I'm thinking a druid elf.  I was asking Jeff if there were any rules to classes and races.  He assured me that nearly anything can exist.  He even told me that sometimes classes are formed to be weird.   He then gave me a site on cacophonic bards.  http://www.filespace.org/AstralFire/cacophonic_bard.htm

This part reminds me of me in real life except I'm not musically literate "Broken Record (Ex): While they may have no actual musical talent, their enthusiasm for music allows them to remember things no normal person would. Whenever hearing something musical (even a child's chanting taunt songs), the Cacophonic Bard can remember it perfectly for all time (unless affected by a memory enchantment) and if he is music-literate, can write the notes down exactly.

Irresistable Urge (Ex): The Cacophonic Bard can no longer help himself; he is addicted to music. He must sing or hum something at least once per hour, or suffer a -2 Unhappiness Penalty to all rolls."

So I might be a cacophonic bard druid elf if I think I can handle it.  Ehehehe.

When I picture possibilities for my future, sometimes I get scared.   Here are parts of why I get stressed about the future.

1. With my disability and the variables with my condition, I can not commit to anything really regular.   I can not picture myself taking in person classes for credit.   Right now I'm not even sure I can handle online ones.  And I know that I will probably never have an ordinary job.   So if somehow I can not make it with my writing and art I am screwed.  It's not like I could wait tables while waiting for the big break with my craft or get a temp job while lamenting that nothing has happened yet.    There is no plan B other than the bank account my grandfather has put money into for me that I haven't touched and the idea of making my family support me when I blow through that.   I don't like the idea of being financially dependant on top of all the other ways I'm dependant.

2. I am nearly completely physically dependant.   I can not stand or walk on my own.   I try not to even do it with anyone since I fall so easily and I'm a bit afraid of getting another concussion or broken bone.   Think for awhile about all that means.  Everything that involves those movements.   I can not go to the bathroom on my own.   I need someone to hand me food.   I need a bit of help getting in and out of the tub.   And that's just the tip of the issue.   Right now my mom is my main caregiver still.  As I get older and she does too, I begin to get increasingly worried about what could happen to her to make her not be able to do everything for me. Who will take care of me when that happens?  The most logical progression of caregiving would be from parent to significant other.    But I think there is probably less than a 50% chance that I will find a guy and be committed enough for him to take care of me.  So the next logical thing would be to go from parent to sibling or from parent to sibling and her significant other.   Major problem there.   I do not trust my sister.   I haven't trusted her in that capacity since my early teens.    When I was around 15, my sister decided to try to help me with the bathroom while my mom was at work.   At that point in time, I used a portable toliet because it was easier.  It was a stand that you could put a bucket in and had a seat that could be flipped up or down.   She forgot to put it down before transferring me and I didn't notice until I sat down on less than an inch width of the top of the bucket.   It made me feel really off-balance.   I tried to reach for her hand/arm again and she refused.   So I was feeling like I might fall and feeling like I had no control over the situation and I began to cry a bit.   She left the room and refused to come back until I stopped crying.   It was beyond degrading to me.  I have to fight with myself to feel equal to those that able-bodied to begin with.   It is not good for self respect to need help with so much things.   To put the added humilation of no control, being handled like a little kid when I was a teen, and the fear of falling was beyond too much.    It terrifies me to think it could happen again.   So who else is next to take care of me?   I could have to bite down all of my pride and ask some of my cousins to do it.   I could hope that my best friends some how end up in one vincity with me and could share taking care of me duties.   Maybe I could pay Laura S. to take me as a client and help me with bathroom and such like she helps autistic kids.  Maybe Lisa could help me some if she's not needed too much by her relative that has MS and whatever she (Lisa) needs to be okay in her life.  Maybe Jeff could hand me food and such since with his own germ issues he'd probably fight me less about mine than some of my other close friends.   Maybe I'll meet someone new to add to the mix.   Maybe, maybe, maybe.   Or maybe not.   Maybe it will be some stranger that takes care of me.   A hired nurse/caregiver that I can not know if i can trust.   That I have no idea how he/she will treat me until the care begins.   Maybe I'll even end up in like a nursing home when I'm like in my 30s.   If so, I think I will not care about anything else going on in my life and anyone my permanent absence will hurt.   I will kill myself if I can find a way to.

3. The normal outlets to meeting new people keep feeling like they are narrowing for me.   How do people meet people?  You hear about through school.   Most of my in-person school days are over with already.    Through work.   I already covered why that might not be applicable either.   Through church/temple/mosque other religiouis buildings people go to.    Organized religion never appealed to me and my nearest church pretty much only gets elderly attendees.  Oh, did I mention I have some problems with the town minister too?  He's one of those that if you don't go every week he thinks you'll end up in hell or something.  And I don't know any other religious places of worship at all. People also meet other people at parties, bars, or clubs.   That's not really my scene and  I'd feel timid around strangers.   I can't just go up to someone and try to converse with them.   There's also random meetings but the same thing applies there.   I could meet people through online sites but if I don't meet them through someone else or through a trusted site, how can i know they are who they say they are and not like a serial killer or something?   Then there is the last main method that I can think of.   This one still can work for me to a degree but I need to make it do so and I feel like its possibilities are shrinking.  It is meeting people through people i already know.  My problems are that some people I already know seem to be wandering from me and even the ones that stay often don't try to introduce me to their other aquaintances.   I'm at an age where a lot of my cohorts are making friends at college and forgetting about their roots, an age where my cohorts are starting to work and have less time, an age where people might be meeting their future spouses and getting wrapped up in relationships, and an age where people simply get more of their own lives.   I do not fully blame these people.  I understand that people get busy.   I understand that people move away.  I understand that it is not always easy to deal with someone like me.    Yet, with all of this understanding I can not help but get angry and sad.   It's not fully directed at the people who have drifted away but is more directed at situations.   At times I might rant against this person or that person but I truly wish them well.   I'm not fully against re-befriending some of the drifters either.   I just want to do it with some dignity if I do it.   I don't want to cave with no apology.   Because it makes me feel like a doormat and it scares me a bit that I can be that way.   I fear one of these days I could wind up in a truly abusive friendship or romantic relationship.  Also, it is easy to get me to hope for more.   And I don't mean more in a romantic sense even if the friend in question is a guy.   That could be nice if it happened but I really mean it is easy for me to think that maybe I can get someone to see me in person that actually has no intention of doing so.   Or easy for me to think that once someone is back they will be back permanently and not do this again.   But then if they do, I feel upset all over again and like I'm an idiot.   The rollercoaster of hope and disappointment is too much for me to take.   It makes me less emotionally stable than definitely losing a friend for good or if I could somehow have rules for how much contact to expect.   And since sometimes I think i could be bi-polar, anything that adds to emotional instability is to be avoided at all costs.   Even if I burn more bridges in an attempt to get closure.  Even if one of these days I beat my current record of a year and a half without seeing in person someone unconnected from my family, medical community etc., and teaching.   Isolation sucks and can play with your head more than people who haven't experienced it can imagine.   But it plays less with my head than feeling like I care way more about someone than he/she ever cared about me. 

Before I truly begin being open... here is more of why

I'm telling all to get things off my chest.   I'm also doing it to see if after awhile I see any patterns that I didn't before or if someone else sees them.   I'm trying to figure out how to let go and how to create a better me and a better future for myself.  I want to find acceptance from myself and from my closest friends about things that normally I try to pretend out of existance, like crap never happened.   I need to recognize that it did but I can move forward.  I need to overcome my shyness and my fear of letting people in.   I need to get closer to my inner self so that I can get better in my writing and drawing.   I need to try to figure out a way around what scares me about the future.

The incident that made me realize that I need some sort of help and I'm too conflicted as is about everything was a couple weeks ago.   I got into a fight with my mom and it escalated.   I ended up hitting my hand hard against furniture in an attempt at self mutilation.  I ended up with nasty bruises for like two or three days.   After I had calmed down, my dad and my sister's boyfriend threatened to send me to the psych ward if I didn't calm down.   Which made me get upset again because one of my main things that makes me worse is feeling like no one wants to try to really feel my emotional pain.   I don't cut myself or otherwise hurt myself often and I think it's getting less and less frequent.   Yet, I feel like nearly everyday I have baggage that contributes to when I do fly off the handle or hurt myself.   I need better releases and I need to find a more permenant way to let go.   So that's why I thought I should start a series of entries about it.